


Say you love me (even as you leave me)

by needmusicinlife_14



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, Hurt, M/M, Unrequited Love, norenmin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:27:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22198567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/needmusicinlife_14/pseuds/needmusicinlife_14
Summary: Renjun looks to his right fist, still hiding his secret that could cause an uproar if any of his members ever find out....Alternatively, Renjun is breaking, Jeno is oblivious, Jaemin is conflicted, Mark is sympathetic, Hyuck is NOT happy, Jisung is quiet and Chenle is trying his best to navigate through the tension. They learn that not all stories have happy endings.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 9
Kudos: 106





	Say you love me (even as you leave me)

**Author's Note:**

> I originally intended for this fic to celebrate nana’s return (I started this in 2017 now it’s 2020 smh). It's not lost on me that I should've written something happy instead of full-blown angst so I'm sorry for that. I love my dream bbs despite this mess yall :(((( Anyway for the sake of this story please accept my arrangements of the roommates! Do hope you enjoy the story! (PS. I cried a lot writing this but that could just be because I was going through a tough time and was sensitive. I think the story isn't really as sad as I'd hoped it would be, let me know what you think okay?)

Renjun wakes up with a start, hacking coughs wracking his body, throat so itchy he wishes he could rip it out. When the coughs keep on coming, he pushes back the covers around him and softly pads out of the room, mindful to not wake Donghyuck up. He tries to cough as quietly as possible (not easy when your throat acts up) as he makes his way to the kitchen, hoping that it’s just another coughing fit that will lead to a slight fever. He hears two hushed voices from the silhouettes in the kitchen and halts in his track. Oh no. he doesn’t want them to see him in this state, vulnerable and sick. Unfortunately for him, he feels an uncontrollable urge to cough and before he can flee from being caught, the loud cough escapes from his mouth, sound resonating within the halls of the dorm. The hushed whispers cease. Horrified, he stands rooted to the ground, mind going blank as Jeno and Jaemin emerge from the shadows.

“Injun? Are you feeling unwell?” the worry in Jeno’s eyes sickens him, heart thumping strongly in disagreement. 

“I’ll get the meds for you, wait here, okay?” Jaemin immediately offers but Renjun shakes his head. 

“No, Nana, it’s alright, I’m-” he’s cut off by another fit of coughs, making the two boys in front of him even more concerned. Jeno reaches forward, intending to guide Renjun to the couch in the living room but he steps back as if Jeno’s touch burns him. Renjun sees the confusion in the others’ eyes but he hasn’t stopped coughing enough to explain himself. With one last cough, something shoots out of his throat and lands in his palm that was covering his mouth. His eyes widen, heart beating rapidly in the confines of his ribcage. 

“Jun?” Jaemin looks at him warily, unsure of what to do to help but before either one is able to do anything, Renjun abruptly turns and rushes back to his room, leaving them stunned and lost. Renjun quietly clicks the lock on the door, climbs back into bed, sheets still warm from where he previously left them. Only then he releases a sigh of relief, mind and body calming at the knowledge of being safe in the enclosed space (albeit with a snoring Hyuck on the opposite bed). Renjun looks to his right fist, still hiding his secret that could cause an uproar if any of his members ever find out. He slowly relaxes his right hand, palms opening up to reveal the most beautiful tragedy of his lifetime (not that he has long anyway). 

It’s a lilac petal, stained by the slightest drop of crimson.

***

1\. Of course the first person to find out is Donghyuck. 

They have the day off and everyone has decided to visit the arcade after having a good breakfast outside. It just so happens that Hyuck is sick and has demanded that someone stay behind to accompany him. Renjun thanks his lucky stars for the excuse to exclude himself from the group because he doesn’t think he can stand looking at Jeno and Jaemin spend time like the beautiful couple they are. 

He cooks up some eggs and bacon with toast for himself, while putting together a simple chicken soup for his sick member and brings their food over to where Donghyuck lays on the sofa, watching yet another Netflix series to alleviate his boredom. He grins up at Renjun, as he receives his bowl, and thanks him before immediately digging into his soup. Sometime into breakfast, he steals Renjun’s bacon, which, to his surprise, meets zero protests from the other. Usually, Renjun would fight him for the bacon so him being able to just casually steal the food makes the first inkling appear in his mind, but he doesn’t dwell on it.

Somewhere between the third and the fourth episode, Donghyuck falls asleep in Renjun’s arms, all warm and happy. Renjun sighs, careful not to jostle the younger boy. His thoughts start to wander to places he knows they shouldn’t. He thinks of a brilliant smile, creases forming at the corners of the eyes and how they make him weak in the knees. He thinks of loud laughs when games between them get exciting. He thinks of a well-defined body, muscled arms shown off so often by sleeveless shirts that they start tormenting him. He thinks of agile fingers strumming the guitar and how he aches to sing duets. 

He thinks he should stop thinking because all it does is make him suffer. He feels the sudden itch in his throat and- 

His coughs shake his frame so hard he ends up waking Donghyuck in the process, who blinks wide awake, confused for a moment. His eyes land on Renjun’s shaking body, and he is more than worried as he waits for the other to recover. He thinks back to all those times at night where he gets pulled out of slumber because Renjun’s incessant coughing was too loud. 

“Injunnie, you’ve been like this for some time now...have you not been taking your meds?”

He sees the flicker of sadness in Renjun’s eyes and he knows something isn’t right. 

Renjun decides that it’s no use keeping secrets from his best friend now that it’s come to this. He knows the boy won’t stop pestering him till he spills, and since they’re alone now, he believes the time is now or never.

“Meds won’t help cure me of the disease, I’m afraid. I’ve still got some time left, don’t worry,” he laughs mirthlessly.

“Don’t worry? What are you talking about, what disease? What do you mean you ‘got some time left’?” The questions spill out of him one after another, heart beating fast and panic rising at the defeated tone Renjun uses. 

Renjun hesitates, then says so quietly that Donghyuck has to hold his breath to hear him, “Have you heard of the hanahaki disease?”

Donghyuck can’t breathe. 

***

2\. Mark finds out next.

They’re taking a break from practice after Mark gets called out to discuss their upcoming schedules with the staff. The rest head out for lunch, chattering excitedly among themselves. Jaemin and Jeno are the first to leave the practice room, Jisung tagging along. Chenle’s about to trail after them when he notices Renjun sitting against the wall, and is about to approach him when Donghyuck steps in front of him and pulls him along, sparing a knowing glance at Renjun. 

"Hyung-”

“I’m thinking we should eat something cold for dessert later, something like bingsu! You agree right, lele?”

Renjun laughs at their retreating backs, amused at the usual antics of the group. His smile fades when he realises he’s alone. He leans back, trying to find a comfortable angle to rest his head, before releasing a sigh. Seems like all he does these days is sigh. He plugs in his earphones and lets the music wash over him, drowning out the thoughts threatening to suffocate him. He soon falls into a restless nap.

“Jun-ah? Renjun?” He startles out of his nap when Mark shakes him awake with some sense of urgency. “Hmm?”

“What’s going on with you?” The older boy looks at him with confusion and barely disguised worry, his serious demeanour a huge contrast to his usually goofy, laughing self. 

“What?” Renjun feels a little out of sorts, brain taking a moment to process the words tumbling out of the leader. 

“Hyuck said you weren’t feeling well, said you were resting here. So I came in here looking for you and-” He opens up his right palm and brings it towards Renjun, “I see these scattered beside you…”

It’s five beautiful petals, dotted more prominently with red this time. 

Renjun gazes sadly into Mark’s searching eyes, who waits for the answers he wants to hear, instead of the truth. 

“I didn’t want you to find out like this,” he smiles at Mark, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes; they rarely do nowadays. “I guess you already know what those petals mean.”

Mark has trouble accepting those words, but he manages a, “Who is it?”

The forlorn look the smaller boy gives him is enough to confirm his suspicions.

“Oh, Injun,” Mark breathes out in a broken whisper, arms wrapping Renjun in a tight embrace. 

***

3\. Chenle should be given more credit for the way he silently observes the little things that go on around him. 

The first time Chenle realises that the dorm holds a secret is the evening after a particularly exhausting dance practice. They’re all tired and took little time to wash up before heading straight to bed. He volunteers to go last, right after Renjun, and because of that, he catches Renjun coughing violently in the toilet. He tries for the door, but it’s locked.

“Jun ge? Do you need water or some cough drops or something?” he waits till the other boy is done with coughing his lungs out and then hears some ruffling inside, before hearing running water. 

A few beats later Renjun swings the door open, giving a small smile that seems to strain him. “It’s fine lele, I’ll get a glass of water myself, thanks for offering,” but the haunted look in Renjun’s eyes does not fool him. 

Chenle tries to shake off the uneasiness gnawing at his gut and enters the toilet. He looks around and except for the wet floors, nothing is out of place. He relieves himself and then goes to the sink to clean his hands, and that’s when he notices the tiny speck of red, right at the corner of the vanity top. It’s the kind of thing you discover only at a certain angle, under the light. 

Chenle wipes away the evidence and doesn’t mention the incident to anyone. 

The second time, he’s on cleaning duty, tasked to vacuum the dorm floors. He makes quick work of the living room and his own room with Jisung. He spends some time cleaning Mark’s room with Jaemin and Jeno, trying to work through the piles of things stranded around the room. Then he makes a beeline for Donghyuck and Renjun’s room. 

It’s comparatively cleaner than the other room, but still a couple of things are strewn across the floor. He huffs, annoyed, before picking them all up, one by one. He starts with the corners of the room and proceeds to clean under the beds, first Donghyuck’s and then Renjun’s. He’s pushing and pulling the vacuum in and out from under Renjun’s bed when the machine starts whirring louder than usual and starts vibrating hard. 

“What the…” frustrated, Chenle yanks the vacuum out, jabs the off button and drops to his knees to see what the problem is with it. 

He twists the nozzle and sees a few somethings blocking the hole, all dusty and dirty. He’s unsure of how long the things have been there under the bed for, given the dirt on them, but he takes them and flips them, trying to make out what exactly he’s looking at. He’s about to discard them into the bin when the nagging feeling returns. It’s just trash, but why does his heart tell him otherwise? Confused, he opts to pocket the things and continue with his cleaning, deciding he’ll take a further look at them later. 

Half an hour later and he’s finally done with the chore. He stores the vacuum and removes the things from his back pocket, thinking he’ll see what they really are after washing them with water. He places the things in the basin and fills it with water, soaking them for a couple of minutes as the water colours black. He then empties the water and rinses the things, before making sense of what he holds in his hands. 

They’re not purple, not anymore since the dust accumulated previously stained them. But still, Chenle knows precisely what they are, and more importantly, the meaning of their existence. 

***

4\. It’s obvious that the older members are hiding something because everywhere they go, tension sizzles in the room. And Jisung is sick of being left out simply because he’s the youngest.

They’re running around the waiting room, getting their hair and makeup done, preparing for yet another performance for their latest comeback. Having done his makeup, Jisung pounces on his victim for the day, who’s currently stuffing his face with some kimchi fried rice. Jisung wants answers and he wants them now. 

“Lele!” he startles the eating boy. Chenle chokes a little on his food, glaring at the younger boy.

“So what is everyone hiding from me?”

Chenle paused, eyes narrowing at him. “What do you mean, no one’s hiding anything from you.”

Oh, he’s never been one to lie. Keep secrets, yes. But to outright deflect a question he cannot give an answer to? Chenle is horrible at that. 

Jisung is unimpressed. He scoots closer to the other boy and lowers his voice. “I know something’s going on but no one will tell me anything! It’s frustrating not knowing what’s happening.”

Chenle looks away and continues shoving rice into his mouth. 

“Ugh.” he sighs. “Fine. if you won’t tell me,” his eyes dart to someone leaving the room. “Maybe that Hyung will.”

Before Chenle can protest, he zooms out of the room, catching up with Donghyuck, who’s on his way to the washroom. 

“Hyung!” he smacks Donghyuck’s shoulder. 

“Ow, what the-” he pushes Jisung away from his aching limb. “What do you want, Jisung?” he rolls his eyes, but the younger boy knows he’s not really mad. 

“What is going on between all of you? And! Don’t tell me it’s nothing, another day with this suffocating tension and I’ll start yelling.” 

Donghyuck just walks on, thinking of how much Jisung knows and how much he should tell him, if he should even be telling him anything at all. 

“Hyung, please. It’s unfair that only I don’t know what’s wrong.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that.” Donghyuck starts, voice uncharacteristically soft. “You’re not the only one,” and he cuts their conversation short by entering the toilet, leaving Jisung gaping after him. 

He ponders over what Donghyuck told him. Time to find out who else has no clue what’s happening. 

So he turns around, strides back to the waiting room and settles in an unoccupied corner, surveying the room and figuring out who his next target is. 

He reckons Renjun is the centre of the issue, seeing as how he’s been quiet, too quiet these past weeks. And he knows for all of the jokes they make of Mark, their leader is too trustworthy and won’t be divulging any secrets anytime soon. Chenle refuses to speak of it and Donghyuck looks like he’ll actually cry talking about it. 

Obviously, Renjun is out of the picture. So that leaves Jeno and Jaemin, but could they be the ones oblivious to the tension among them? Jeno may very well be since he often doesn’t want to burden himself with thinking too much. But surely Jaemin knows; he’s one to play around but can be very observant when needed. Would he enlighten Jisung, then? Or should he just wait for the older members to sort things out by themselves? The thought of it leaves his nerves in a bundle. 

Either way, he has a feeling it’s not gonna turn out well, whatever the current situation is. And that kinda scares him, if he’s honest. 

***

5\. Jaemin has known it all along. From the very start, right when Renjun himself just found out. 

At one point, after the end of promoting ‘Go’, Jaemin notices that Renjun has been going in and out of their dorm more often, and is always alone on these outings. 

Naturally, he’s curious and just wants to ensure the older one isn’t getting into all sorts of trouble out there. (He knows Renjun isn’t the type, but hey, he’s being concerned like the good friend and member he is.) Those thoughts are abandoned where he realises that Renjun is now more reserved; his laughs no longer as loud, his smiles not reaching the corners of his eyes, his shoulders hunched, his footsteps heavier with a burden he carries but does not voice out. And the constant faraway look clouding his eyes terrifies Jaemin; terrifies him because he does not recognise the boy in front of him. This realisation first puts him in panic mode, which gives way to an ache that throbs dully in his chest. Still, he is unaware of the tragedy that has befallen Renjun. 

Then one day, as he does some idle work on the laptop he borrowed earlier from Renjun, he gets his first answer as to what has troubled the older boy. He’s just scrolling through different websites; youtube, Instagram, their fancafe -reading comment after comment on their recent comeback- and some links sent by fans on twitter. And then he accidentally deletes a tab and, for some reason, is unable to retrieve it from the link stated in a Twitter post. Sighing, he goes straight for the ‘history’ tab. He’s about to click on the top link when his eyes flicker to a link several lines below that reads ‘Symptoms of...to do about it’.

Jaemin hesitates. He doesn’t want to intrude on Renjun’s privacy but considering recent events, he knows that if he ignores what he sees, he won’t be able to sleep at night. He checks to see if any of the members are lurking near him, but they’re all too immersed in the horror movie playing on the TV in the living room. So he clicks.

What he finds unsettles him deeply.

His body trembles from the force of his whirlwind emotions right now, because this is more serious than he ever thought it could be. 

‘Oh, Injun,’ he thinks. ‘Is this the consequence of always putting others first? Even when you’re left hurting at the end? Even at the expense of your own life?’

A single tear slides down his cheek, but what is it compared to the tears the others will shed once they learn of this? Nothing; because he knows he is to blame. 

~

Then the incident at the kitchen happens. 

Jeno’s pulling him to the kitchen, seeking for a midnight snack since they didn’t have a heavy dinner earlier on. He rummages in the drawers, trying to steal someone else’s snacks and triumphantly grabs a pack of Oreos that he happily places in Jaemin’s lap as they sit in silence on the kitchen floor. They share the biscuits, munching as quietly as possible, but not really bothered if someone finds them anyway. There’s just something about the thrill of sneaking around in the dark, cold hands gaining warmth from another’s as they whisper and giggle and hold each other as if they’re the only two people in the world awake. 

And then they fall silent when a sharp cough slices through the still air, their bubble crumbling around them. 

They freeze for a second, before stepping out of the kitchen, where a stunned Renjun stands, body rigid with being caught. They ask if he’s alright but he answers in coughs that leave him breathless; hacking coughs that trigger alarm bells in Jaemin’s head. Jeno’s about to bring Renjun to the couch but he recoils from the touch, body still trembling from the coughs. Then just as abruptly, his coughs are silenced by a choking sound that lasts for a split second. Jaemin knows that whatever it is, it can’t be good, because Renjun looks at him like he’s terrified. And in a haste, Renjun bolts out of there; leaving Jeno more than confused, and Jaemin frustrated as ever at how Renjun thinks he’s subtle at avoiding suspicion. 

Jaemin knows. He knows. There is little to hide from him at this point, not when he’s already figured most of the pieces out before all the other members. He knows the open secret better than Renjun himself and he curses at Fate. He can’t stand this turn of events, especially when all he sees is Renjun willingly dying right in front of him. Is that really selflessness on his part? Because the irrational bit in Jaemin’s mind thinks that Renjun’s being most selfish right now. Selfish, because he’s not letting the others decide what’s best for him. It irks him, this game Renjun unwittingly forces them to play.

Because he knows there will be no winners. 

~

Yes, Jaemin has known long before anyone else. Does it make him a coward for choosing to not speak of it for fear of losing both Renjun and Jeno? 

Absolutely, but who can blame him?

***

He can’t help it - Jeno, with his insanely bright smiles and beautiful personality, doesn’t make him weak in the knees or send butterflies in his stomach. Instead, Jeno has turned him into someone stronger, makes him be at peace with himself, and is the steady guide in the past years of blinding pain. 

He can’t help it - He’s in too deep when it comes to Jeno. He can’t pinpoint the exact moment he fell, only knew he got himself entangled when it was too late. He’s so enamoured, he thinks it may kill him to not have Jeno with him. Ah, what irony that is. 

But if ever he finds a way to turn back time, he will do so in a heartbeat, just for Renjun. He swears on Jeno, his love, that if all Renjun wants is for Jeno to fall for him instead, he will try his damndest to make that wish come true. 

Even if the thought of losing Jeno sends a rough, merciless stab through his heart.

But to lose either Renjun or Jeno in any scenario…

It is unacceptable to Jaemin. He will not have it. 

***

A few weeks pass by the incident and Renjun seems progressively worse. By this time, Jaemin knows that most of the members have already found out, in their own ways, though he doubts each experience is less painful than the previous one. Jaemin knows and is very well aware of this because the others have started acting differently towards him as well. Everyone is more sensitive to things they do or say when around Renjun, even if subconsciously. They’re more attentive to his needs and wants and it’s mostly because no one knows what to expect every time they see him. He sometimes flares up and strides out of the room, leaving the members gaping after him because he hates that they’re coddling him; he hates how they treat him like he’s fragile and going to break and he doesn’t give a shit how true it may be after all. But sometimes he’s too tired to even try to pretend he’s fine and really, that’s the only one time he allows for his walls to be unguarded, letting them look after him as if what he’s suffering from is just another cold flu. It sickens Renjun.

This also means that whatever increased affection they have for Renjun, equates to a decreased liking they have for Jaemin. And it sucks like hell, seeing those you love turn from you, siding against you, albeit unintentionally. His skin itches with the need to comfort and hold Renjun, yet at the same time, he itches to run away from all the silent accusations in every pair of eyes he meets. He sees flames dancing in Hyuck’s eyes and he’s inclined to agree with the anger burning in them. He sees overflowing empathy in Mark’s eyes and he mourns the insinuations behind them. He sees quiet contemplation in Jisung’s eyes and that in itself is a brief respite from this madness. Chenle’s eyes hold mainly confusion and fear, and Jaemin is not surprised if what he sees is just a mere reflection of what his own eyes hold. 

And if a small part of him feels like it’s unfair that he’s being punished, well, is it not true? 

At any rate, he’s trying his best. 

But what tears him apart the most is the look in Renjun’s eyes.

Not a hint of blame or accusation or disgust or anything remotely hateful in those understanding eyes. A never-ending glaze of sadness, yes, but also calm acceptance and love that has never once wavered. 

It breaks him, rattles his core and leaves him speechless, numb and unfeeling.

‘Why do you still love me? 

Why do you love me after all I couldn’t do for you? 

Why do I deserve this love when I’ve taken the one thing you want most? 

Why do you choose to torment me like this?’

Perhaps it is Renjun’s way of punishing him. 

~

Jaemin doesn’t understand why the others haven’t spoken to him about it. By now, he thinks that at least Mark would have confronted him, yet no one has. He contemplates going to Donghyuck to talk about it but given the cold shoulder, he knows he’s no longer in Hyuck’s good graces. There have been moments where he sees the fire in Hyuck’s eyes dim just enough for pain to shine through -pain not only for Renjun, but for Jaemin who never asked for any harm to come to the members. Those moments are the ones he treasures most because, for a split second, Donghyuck is on his side. Donghyuck understands. Donghyuck reminds him that he still loves him. Even rarer, he sees unfathomable pain in those eyes that he can’t quite place. Just a flicker of something that Jaemin dare not decipher, before it, too, passes. Then the fire returns, stronger than ever, forcing Jaemin to look away each time lest he thinks Donghyuck hates him. 

It is because he has no one else to talk to when he finally decides he can’t deal with the way everyone is keeping mum, that he seeks out the root cause of this damn problem. 

~

Jaemin drags Jeno out of the house, not bothering to lie to the members about where they’re heading simply because none of them cares anymore. Everyone’s busy staying afloat in the sea of activities they have and when they do get time to rest, everyone retreats to their own comfort zones. So he takes it upon himself to put an end to their suffering by first talking it out with Jeno, who, quite frankly, is too dense to realise that he’s the reason why the members avoid him like the plague. 

He pulls Jeno along pavements, down roads, past shops and is surprised when Jeno keeps quiet the entire time. Only when he slows down to a walk as they enter the vicinity of the seemingly empty park that Jeno finally calls out to him, getting him to take a breather and take a seat at one of the benches in the area. 

“Jae, what’s going on?”

Jaemin fidgets, unsure of how to start the conversation he’s been putting off. Earlier that morning, he thought he was prepared to have said conversation but seeing as how he’s tensing up, palms sweaty and heartbeat in a frenzy, he’s not really ready, not at all. But he sucks in a deep breath, collects his thoughts, calms his erratic heart and then turns to look Jeno right in the eyes. 

Once he starts, he finds that he can’t stop. The words ceaselessly spill out of him, lips parting again and again till he can’t breathe. He stops then, body having heaved all the suppressed feelings and thoughts that he’s been trying so hard to keep to himself. And now, Jeno knows. Jeno knows and is not saying anything; his face a blank page. Jaemin forcefully quells the panic rising in him, choosing to wait out Jeno’s reaction since it’s the only thing he can do right now. He opens his mouth and Jaemin braces for what the other is about to say.

“You think I don’t know?” Jeno scoffs, without any real venom. “It hurts me too, seeing him so in pain because of me.”

“You don’t understand. We’re putting him through so much more than just-”

Jeno’s eyes soften, reaching out to grab his hands, which tremble with fear, with anger, with worry. Jeno shakes his head, about to interject him but he doesn’t stop talking.

“You don’t understand,” Jaemin repeats, his tone urgent, insistent. His grip is tight, crescents forming where nails dig into flesh. Slightly delirious and very desperate, he can’t help but blurt out, “Renjun’s dying.”

Jeno freezes.

A whole minute passes and still, Jeno can only stare wordlessly right back at him. “Say something, please...” he whispers, afraid that he’ll violently startle the other boy out of his trance. 

That does the trick because he sees a bunch of emotions battle it out on Jeno’s face, pain lacing his features as understanding dawns on him. 

“What do you want me to do, just forget about you? Ignore whatever’s between us? Pretend I’m not crazily in love with you for the past years? Is that it?”

Jaemin is close to bursting into tears, knowing that he should get this over and done with so he can retreat to his own private space to nurse fresh wounds. 

“Learn to love him,” his voice is thick with emotion, but he keeps going on. “I’ll busy myself so that you won’t have the chance to see me anymore outside of group schedules. Talk to him and know him and spend time with him and learn to love him, please, Jeno. Please be with him instead.”

If this is what love is, Jaemin decides at that very moment that he doesn’t want it. He doesn’t think he can survive another heart-wrenching episode because the agony he feels is rendering him insane. He doesn’t know where he finds the strength to ask the boy he loves to love someone else.

“I don’t love him, you know that. And-” Jeno agitatedly ruffles his hair, “And I’ve tried but I just can’t feel for him the way I feel about you.” he sighs, defeated.

“I’ll do anything I can to help ease the aches, I’ll be there when he needs me but don’t ask me to stop loving you, not for anyone’s sake.”

The unshed tears in Jeno’s eyes stab him so forcefully, it sends his head spinning. Between trying to save Renjun and trying to convince Jeno, he’s torn in two. 

“Is that selfish of me? Wrongful? I can’t help feeling like this whole thing’s being unfair to me; I just got you back,” Jeno stops because the growing lump in his throat is choking him up. 

Jaemin looks away the instant it hits him that no matter what he does, the outcome will still be the same. Renjun is dying and there is nothing he can do to save him.

***

All around him people are trying their best to meddle in his affairs, telling him what he needs to do, what he needs to say. It makes him feel, in equal parts, bitter and grateful. Bitter because he doesn’t give a damn what he should do instead, and grateful because it’s the boys’ way of telling him they love him. Their efforts get a little more stifling every day with the desperation that radiates from them. They don’t want him to die. But Renjun has resigned himself to his fate and wishes that the others would stop giving him such a hard time. Each of them makes it even more difficult to leave but the separation is inevitable. Renjun feels it in the form of flowers clogging his lungs, congesting and smothering him and causing every breath he takes to hurt more than the previous one.

They talk about him getting surgery - the obvious solution - but Renjun thinks there’s no point in living if he can’t love someone. He refuses to remain passive and unfeeling for the rest of his life just for the sake of living. But where Mark understands his adamant belief, Jisung is at a loss. He finds Renjun’s so-called ‘belief’ so stupid; why would anyone pick dying over living? If he can’t fall in love, so be it. He just has to settle for loving in other ways. He doesn’t say it to Renjun, though, knowing that they would only inflict more pain upon him. And if Renjun notices that he no longer pulls extreme pranks on him, he doesn’t mention it. 

They fuss over him more than usual, more than anyone else in the team itself and Renjun deals with it by exhaling long-suffering sighs. He tries not to think about how he is the single cause of anguish among them because that would be too much for him, maybe even killing him before the flowers do. But where Chenle respects his decision to forego the surgery, Donghyuck is miffed, resentful even. Unlike Jisung, he’s told Renjun plenty of times that he just doesn’t get why the surgery is such a bad thing to consider. Every second that Renjun spends unconvinced, is a second that guarantees a grim ending. Renjun is acutely aware of this yet can’t figure out the subtle hostility in the way Donghyuck now speaks and acts. It’s as if there’s something deeper than what he lets on. He goes hot and cold so often that Renjun is forced to keep up with him through conversations that repeatedly end with Hyuck yelling at him. 

What puzzles the sick boy the most is the soft, lingering touches and the distinct melancholy swimming in his eyes. Perhaps those are dangerous waters to tread and so Renjun pretends yet again that none of it is happening. On Donghyuck’s part, anger belies the gnawing fear in him; if anyone bothered to shift their attention to Hyuck, they would easily see through his facade. They would immediately sense the real reason behind his insistence in keeping Renjun alive. 

Eventually, they will know. They will know and they will wish they don’t. 

~ 

It doesn’t take long for the flower to expand in Renjun’s chest, creeping along the spaces they will never belong but have taken refuge in anyway. Halfway into the third month since the birth of the flower, its petals grow and shed fast, greatly constricting his airway. Day after day exertion burns deep and he can feel each breath being dragged in and out of him. He’s unable to do anything strenuous and gradually, even standing exhausts him. Stepping out of bed becomes such a chore. Sleeping becomes a privilege. What keeps him going is his members who are there every step of the way. They feed him, aid him in washing up, make conversation with him, attend to his every need and if Renjun wasn’t so incapable of breathing freely, he would’ve cried a river at the amount of love they show him. 

At this point, none is judgemental. No one speaks about what’s really going on but who needs to when Renjun wheezes loud and clear every time silence floods the dorm? The six of them are heartbroken but there is nothing to be done except to ease whatever obvious pains are left. 

As his members take turns looking after him, Renjun stares deeply at the worry etched in their frowns. He appreciates the solace in Mark’s eyes, detects the grief in Jisung’s eyes, catches the contrite look Jaemin sends his way when he thinks Renjun isn’t looking. He notices the tenacity in Chenle’s eyes, understands the torment in Jeno’s eyes, acknowledges the calm acceptance Donghyuck displays for him and he ponders about what could have been instead of what is. 

~

It happens on a Sunday morning.

Donghyuck rubs his eyes as he awakens and immediately he feels it, feels how strangely loud it is in the shared bedroom. He sits upright, body tangled in his bedsheets and turns his head so fast he almost gets whiplash. His heart pounds loud when he registers that Renjun’s side of the room is filled with a different kind of gasping, sickeningly rough and critical. Dread seizes him and he clumsily jumps out of his bed and launches himself across the room. 

“Renjun?” he’s careful as he turns the sick boy to face him. 

He’s frighteningly pale, lips trembling, hands shaking and his chest vibrates with the attempts to inhale as much air as he can. There’s a wild look in his eyes and they struggle to focus on Hyuck as his quivering fingers reach for the familiar warmth that only Donghyuck can provide him with. Hyuck is fearful of the state in which Renjun now is caught in and he does not hesitate to yell for the others. He hears hurried footsteps and panicked ‘why’s and Jisung is there with him first, instantly afraid of the scene unfolding in front of him. 

“Hyung,” his voice comes out as a hoarse whisper. “You’re scaring me,” he stays firmly beside Donghyuck but is too paralysed with fear to do anything else. 

One by one they all enter and crowd around Renjun’s vulnerable form, thinking that after all this time, they’d be prepared for this exact moment. It is no surprise that they are not. What they are, however, is powerless. 

They know that the beloved boy has held on for as long as he can and that this time, no amount of coughing is going to dislodge the fully formed flower. They each touch a part of him, just to lend him their strength for a final time as he gurgles and gags and fights to cling onto each excruciating breath. They don’t recognise the boy in front of them as he battles his own poison; it’s not a pretty sight to witness such heartrending torture. 

“Injun,” Mark steels himself for what he is about to say. “You did well.”

The others have to force themselves to not look away.

Mark continues murmuring, “Let go and be happy.”

Chenle does not shed a tear but is dangerously close to doing so. “We will always love you.”

Donghyuck speaks not a single word but his hands tighten where they cradle Renjun’s fragile ones, rapidly losing heat. He knows not the source of his strength as he looks on dumbly at the small boy drifting away from him, going where he cannot go. Yet. 

They patiently wait for him to finally break free from his chains and fly free. 

They wait for as long as he needs and encourage him through whispers of love, sending him off with the sweetest of memories. 

Soon, warmth seeps from Renjun’s body and his fingertips, icy cold.

~

\+ 1. On the very same day, they lay his body in an elegant black coffin because the white interior rivals the purity of Renjun’s heart. They gift him flowers that describe his strength, his sincerity. Flowers that express their admiration and sorrow. There are sniffles here and there but none outright cry. They will have time for that later, in the safe confines of their shared dorm. They will have plenty of time, away from an audience that will never truly understand the tremendous loss the group has just suffered. 

The grieving boys head back to their waiting van, hearts heavy and light at the same time. They stick close to one another and in the small spaces between them, their bodies speak of the pain they will have to face upon closing the dorm door, away from prying eyes and ears. They’re almost at the parked van and that’s when things go horribly wrong a second time. 

Donghyuck coughs. And he coughs again and again as if the itch in his throat is too much. He coughs wetly and starts gagging and his members are handing him bottled water, rubbing his back but all of them are looking at him as if they already know what’s about to happen. 

With one violent hack, something shoots out of his mouth and straight to the open ground, in full view of the six of them. 

It’s a lilac petal, stained by the slightest drop of crimson.

**Author's Note:**

> As can tell, I spent a lot of time on this and it’s still not the best work I can put out there but I'm quite satisfied with the way it turned out. So here ya go and well, this means that I’ll be working more on my other nct fic with Renmin (because I want to heal from this mess). Expect more from me! (But this also shows how I can't update regularly oof) I decided to write more chapters for grosscery romance so please bear with me ya!
> 
> Please do leave your thoughts below because it's my first time writing such a long story and I want to see how I fared! Thank you for reading this!


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